Voldemort Gets A Cold
by BlackxRose19
Summary: Poor Lord Voldemort has fallen to the common Muggle cold.  Now, it's up to his two most loyal, devoted Death Eaters to make him well...it's not going to be as easy as it sounds.  Work in Progress.  R&R!
1. Cold's Are Not Fun!

**Hello everyone! I hope you enjoy the first chapter of this story. I wrote it when I had a cold...fun fun! If you like it, it's got more chapters! By the way, I still don't have a beta. It's just me and myself editing, so don't expect 100 percent perfection! Reviews are great, constructive criticism is better!**

**Disclaimer: I, of course, do not own Harry Potter, nor any other characters in this story. I only own the plot.**

**Bold: Sound effects (used to be asterisk's in Word)**

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Lord Voldemort had always prided himself on being above muggle things. He was, after all, the greatest dark lord in history (or, at least, that's what he told himself to get to sleep at night.) He had never driven a car, shopped at a store, or anything like that. He was a dark lord, of course, the darkest dark lord there was. He didn't have time for daily muggle things, including colds.

True, Lord Voldemort may have lured himself into thinking that he had nothing to fear from muggle sickness, but that all changed when he woke up one morning. It was like any other morning. He'd get up, eat breakfast, and make diabolical plans while his Death Eaters worshiped his every move. Maybe, for some afternoon recreation, he'd torture some muggles. However, today didn't go as planned from the moment he woke. He discovered that he could not breathe out of his nose, and his throat hurt every time he swallowed. Upon touching his face, he found that he felt, quite literally, like he was on fire. His first assumption being that he was dying, he screamed at the top of his lungs.

At his scream, Lord Voldemort had expected the room to be flooded with Death Eaters, all groveling on the floor and begging not to be murdered by him. To his dismay, the only person who turned up (after a good deal of time had passed) was Wormtail. Needless to say, this would not have been Voldemort's first choice.

"Y-yes, My Lord?" the man squeaked, kneeling on the floor. Voldemort did not reply, but simply beckoned to him in the way that he had seen old frail men in movies beckon to their family before they died.

The look on Wormtail's face was one of pure horror, but nevertheless, he shuffled closer. As soon as he was within reach, Voldemort grabbed Wormtail's forearm and pressed his index finger to the Dark Mark.

Surely this would cause thousands of Death Eaters to come to his aid, all trying to suck up to him. He looked around the room expectantly, not noticing as Wormtail shuffled out of there so fast that he might have been running a marathon. Once more, the room was totally empty. Sighing a sigh that only a man who thought he had been neglected on his deathbed could sigh, he closed his eyes and leaned back upon the pillows. It would certainly be a shock to his Death Eaters when they found Voldie-Corpse lying on his bed.

However, just as he had been contemplating all the things he had never accomplished in his life, he heard two popping noises come from within the room. Opening his eyes, thinking that it was, perhaps, the Grim Reaper coming to take him to the Hogwarts in the Sky, he was surprised to find two of his Death Eaters standing there.

Both had their masks on, so he was not immediately able to tell who they were, but with the way that they both threw themselves at his feet, he could more or less guess which two had come to his aid. Lord Voldemort sat up slowly. The Death Eater on the right spoke. "My Lord, you have called us?" came the voice of Lucius Malfoy.

Voldemort nodded, determined to make his death announcement as dramatic as possible. "You may stand up now." He commanded, still trying to build a moment of suspense. Both Death Eaters rose, pulling off their masks, and his suspicion that both his most loyal, overly-devoted Death Eaters had come to his aid was proven. Voldemort did not speak for a moment, simply rose from his bed and began pacing around the room, looking out the window every so often. Perhaps feeling that maybe he had lost his train of thought, Bellatrix, devotee number 1, prompted "Was there something you wished to tell us?"

Lord Voldemort nodded slowly and lay back down on his bed, all the better to deliver the news. "Lucius, Bellatrix," he began, "I……am……." Here he gave a great sigh. "….dying." The news seemed to reach them both slowly, for they stood there staring at him for several moments, before realization dawned on their faces.

"My Lord!" shrieked Bellatrix, and she flung herself at him, weeping. Voldemort, not knowing quite what to do, just sat there watching over the top of her head as Lucius was apparently still trying to figure out what he had said. Voldemort cleared his throat. "I'm dying, Lucius." He repeated slowly. This declaration only increased the volume of Bellatrix's sobs.

"If you're dying, I'll die too!" she cried, pulling her wand out of her robe and pointing it at herself. Voldemort considered for a brief moment how much of a thrill he'd get from watching this, but decided against it at the last second.

"No." he said, pulling the wand away from her. "If you die, then no one will be there to mourn my death." Lucius, silent until now, said "I'd be there, My Lord!"

Voldemort sighed. This was not how he had imagined his great, dramatic announcement would play out. He had expected weeping. He had expected thousands of people falling at his feet, begging for him to be saved from death. Never mind the fact that, up until an hour ago, he thought he was perfectly healthy, he still had this great scenario playing in his mind. Now, as he glanced around the room at Lucius and Bellatrix, the former looking like he was trying to work something out in his head and the latter crumpled on the floor, still crying, he wondered where all his other friends were. Yes, Voldemort lived in a world where he thought everyone was his friend. He hadn't yet faced the cruel reality that almost everyone either hated him or feared him.

Restraining himself from just Avada Kedavra-ing the two Death Eaters, he spoke. "We must discuss my funeral plans." At these words, Bellatrix squeaked and sobbed even harder. "Bella, shut up." He snapped, closing his eyes to ward off his oncoming headache.

"My Lord," came Lucius's voice "Your voice sounds a little odd. Are you sure you're dying?"

"Lucius, it is merely my death closing in on me. Don't question Lord Voldemort."

Still, Lucius walked closer to Voldemort, picking Bellatrix up by the arm as he went by. Before the word "crucio" could escape his mouth, Voldemort felt a hand on his forehead, and looked up to see that it was Lucius's.

"You're not dying, My Lord." came his voice, a few moments later. "You just have a cold."

Lord Voldemort yanked Lucius's hand off his forehead and glared at the man. How dare Lucius ruin his great, dramatic death! Lord Voldemort have a cold? It was nonsense! Sure, he had heard of colds, but never ever did he think he could contract such a filthy muggle disease! With thoughts of just killing Lucius right there and now flitting through his mind, he asked "How do you know?"

Lucius sighed like it was the most obvious thing in the world. "Draco is always telling stories about little Mudbloods at Hogwarts and how they are always contracting these illnesses." He replied, and then he realized how that sounded.

"Are you calling Lord Voldemort a Mudblood?" Lord Voldemort snarled, reaching for his wand. Lucius was backing away, looking frightened. "Cruci…a….a…achooooooo!!!!!" Voldemort sneezed, preventing himself from casting the Cruciatis Curse. "Curse this cold!!!" he howled and soon his howling turned in to coughing.

"Lucius, **cough**, you wouldn't **hack hack** happen to know **sneeze** how to get rid of **sniff **a cold, would you?"

Lucius, still looking beyond relieved that he had not been Crucio'ed into oblivion, replied "Of course I do, My Lord, and I will make you well again!"

At this declaration, Bellatrix, who had been hovering behind Malfoy for this whole event, cried "No, My Lord, _I _will make you well again!"

Lucius spun around and glared at her. "Excuse me, Bellatrix, but I believe that I already have the problem taken care of."

"Well, excuse me, Lucius, but I can handle the problem just as well as you. Probably even better." she shot back.

"Oh, really?"

"Yes, really."

"Are you sure?"

"Absolutely."

"That's too bad, Bella, because I was just on my way to go to the store." Lucius retorted, crossing his arms defiantly.

"Yeah, sure you were, and I was just on my way to give Harry Potter a hug." she sneered, evidently reaching for her wand.

"Have fun with that, then. Give him my regards."

This bickering may have gone on for a matter of days, but at that moment, Voldemort sneezed again and yelled "WILL YOU TWO JUST SHUT UP? I DON'T CARE WHO MAKES ME WELL, AS LONG AS ONE OF YOU DOES!" This yelling caused Voldemort to lapse into a spell of coughing and the two Death Eaters chose this moment to grab their masks and escape out of the room.

Once in the hallway, Lucius and Bellatrix leaned against the opposite walls, looking at each other.

"I have no idea how to make him well."

"Me neither."

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	2. Muggle Shopping

**Okay everyone! You were all so nice and reviewed and put me on your alert lists, so here's the next chapter of Voldemort Gets A Cold! If the characters seem a little OOC, just go with it. It's all in the fun of a weird story.**

**By the way, as I type this, I already have the first 4 chapters of this story written. After that, there's going to be a tiny little delay in the uploads, with school and all, so the chapters will come a bit slower. Be patient with me! I'm working on another Harry Potter as well as an Avatar story...**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, the characters, or Walgreens. I only own the plot.**

**Reviews are great, constructive criticism is better.**

**This chappie is dedicated to my reviewers: teddylonglong, Grace Cullen, S4ltv1n3g4r, HPFan1122, and BonnieDog. Thank you guys all so much for reviewing! Here's the next chapter:**

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Chapter 2: Muggle Shopping 

After both coming to the conclusion that a muggle illness could not be solved with magic, Lucius and Bellatrix decided that the only way to solve it was to use muggle medicine. Yes, that's right; they were actually working together for the first time in their lives. Begrudgingly so, but nevertheless, they had come to terms with their differences. Sort of.

The real truth was that both of them were rather scared of the muggle store that they would have to go in to. Lucius was only going with Bellatrix because, on the off chance that they were attacked, he could offer her up as a sacrifice. Bellatrix's reason was more or less the same.

It was with these hidden reasons that they agreed to meet at the Walgreens in the nearest muggle town the next day. Both were going to be wearing muggle clothing and were going to try their absolute hardest to blend in.

After apparating several blocks away from the store and then walking, Lucius Malfoy stood outside, checking his watch impatiently. He couldn't help but notice all the muggles staring at him as they made their way in and out of the Walgreens. He was dressed like a muggle to his best ability, forsaking his robes in exchange for a formal looking suit that only now did he realize might be a bit too dressy. Two muggle adults, each dressed in a t-shirt and shorts, walked past and that's when Lucius was absolutely sure that he was over-dressed.

Lucius was growing less and less patient as each minute passed by and had almost resigned himself to just shopping alone, when he spotted Bellatrix walking up the street toward him, wearing none other than the dress that she almost always wore.

"Oh good lord." He whispered softly, watching as all the muggles on the sidewalk turned to stare. Bellatrix, totally unaware of the stares, walked straight up to Lucius Malfoy.

"Well, let's get on with it then." she said, gesturing at the store, but Malfoy had grabbed her hand and yanked her away from the curious muggles.

"Do you not understand the meaning of dressing like a muggle?" he hissed, watching as confusion came over her face.

"I am dressed like a muggle!" she replied, stubbornly. "You're the one who's dressed like he's been invited to have tea with the queen."

"Yes, well, at least I'm not the one who chose to wear the dress that looks like it's been run through a blender!" he snapped.

"I'm just going for the 'grunge-muggle' look."

"No, you're not. You just wore this because you felt like it. The muggles are looking at you like you're some confused asylum patient who thought it was Halloween!"

"Maybe it is Halloween."

"Bella, it's July."

"Well," she said, sounding frustrated, "I didn't have anything else. It's too late now. Let them think I'm an asylum patient. We need to shop." She turned on her heel and stormed away from him, back toward the entrance to the store. Sighing, he followed her.

When he got through the door, Bellatrix was already over at the rack of baskets. "Here." She snapped, shoving a basket into Lucius's arms. "You carry it." She stomped off ahead of him, but before she could get very far, he said "We don't know what to get."

Stopping dead in her tracks, Bellatrix turned around. Looking around, her eyes lit on a suspiciously convenient copy of "Colds for Dummies" sitting on a shelf. She reached over and picked it up. After scanning some pages, she announced "To the medicine!"

"Do we know where the medicine is?" Lucius asked, looking around.

Little Benjamin, or Ben, as his friends called him, was trying to make some money as a stock boy at Walgreens. The days so far had been uneventful, endless restocking and opening packages. Nothing out of the ordinary had ever occurred while working at Walgreens. Until today.

Ben had been in aisle 5, restocking cans of hairspray, and contemplating asking for a raise, when footsteps had alerted him to the presence of other people. Expecting it to be his manager, he ignored this, until he heard a voice say "You, little muggle boy. Where is the medicine?" Ben was about to tell the person off for calling him "muggle", whatever that was, but all he could do was squeak when he looked up.

Two people, a woman with too much eyeliner wearing a Halloween dress, and an overdressed man with hair longer that his own sister's, were standing there, glaring at him. The woman repeated her question. "Where is the medicine?"

"Uh…uh…uh…" Ben found that he could not speak, so he just pointed toward the back wall of the store. They both nodded and, as the man made off toward the back of the store, the woman patted him on the head and asked "How would you like to be a Death Eater?"

Just as Ben felt like he was about to pass out from fright, the man came back and dragged the woman after him. "You can't ask him to be a Death Eater, Bellatrix." He snapped.

Needless to say, Little Benjamin quit that day.

Wrenching Lucius's arm off of her, Bellatrix said "That boy was so helpful." Lucius just sighed.

"Yes, he might have been, but you can't ask a muggle to be a Death Eater." He replied, still walking toward the back wall.

"I was just being nice!" she pouted, following him. At his statement, Malfoy whirled around and looked at her in disbelief.

"You do not have a nice bone in your body." He stated. Bellatrix opened her mouth to retort, so Lucius continued. "You think torturing people is fun."

Closing her mouth, she shrugged. "True. That is very true."

They had reached the back of the store and now were faced with an even greater problem.

"What kind of medicine does he need, Lucius?"

"I have no idea. What does the book say?"

Silence commenced as Bellatrix flipped pages. After a few moments, she spoke again. "It doesn't say anything." She looked at the wall. "Maybe…maybe we should just get them all!" Lucius shrugged and they both started piling in the medicine.

Boxes of Tylenol, Advil, and Benadryl were thrown in by Lucius and Bellatrix, her arms full of cough syrup, exclaimed "Look, Lucius, there's so many!" Lucius, sighing again, said "We don't need that many bottles of just one type of medicine."

Bellatrix pouted again and looked rather like a child who had just found out that Santa wasn't real. "But, they come in different flavors, Lucius. Imagine if we got the Dark Lord cherry, and he hated it!"

Both paused for a moment to consider a scenario that had Voldemort flinging bottles of medicine across the room and then putting the killing curse to good use.

"All right" agreed Lucius. "We better get every flavor of every medicine they have!"

15 minutes later, their basket was piled high with everything from Sudafed to Delsym (all flavors of course) and several things in-between. Not being able to decide whether or not the Dark Lord would prefer chewable pills or the ones taken with water, they had opted for both.

Now, after realizing that their one basket was too full, Bellatrix announced that she would get another. In her absence, Lucius decided to cruise the surrounding aisles.

It was purely by accident that he ended up in the shampoo aisle. It was also purely by accident that he tripped, sending the display of "Mango-Mandarin-Passion Fruit-Jasmine-Volumizing Shampoo" to the ground. In his attempt to put right the stand and not cause a problem with the store manager, he didn't notice that a bottle of the shampoo with the incredibly long name had fallen into the basket with the medicine.

If he had known this, he certainly wouldn't have taken the empty basket away from Bellatrix when she returned and he certainly wouldn't have given her the full basket.

The laughing should've warned him. As he turned around to ask Bellatrix what they should next get, he saw that she looked like she was trying to hold in a good deal of laughter. He merely stared at her for a moment while she tried to get herself under control.

"Hey, Luci. Let me guess." She said, still laughing a little. "This shampoo's not for Cissy, is it?"

Lucius was so stunned by that nickname (Luci?), that he didn't register what she had said for a moment. "What are you talking about?"

Bellatrix, still laughing, held up a bottle of "Mango-Mandarin-Passion Fruit-Jasmine-Volumizing Shampoo."

Lucius's eyes widened, horrified, as he stared at the offensively pink bottle of shampoo. "No, Bella…you don't understand. The display…it fell…manager came over…I didn't want trouble…"

To his surprise, she stood up straight and said "It's okay, I understand." Lucius was momentarily shocked. There had to be a catch to this, right?

Sure enough, there was a catch. There's always a catch. Bellatrix had resumed her laughing. "Sure, I understand. Luci has to keep his hair all shiny and bouncy!"

Lucius felt himself flush and he was certain that his face had gone very red. He yanked the shampoo out of Bellatrix's unresisting grasp and set it on the shelf next to him. "It's not mine." He said, and then, he saw a way to get back at her. "And we know it's not _yours, _Bella."

At once the laughing ceased and she straightened up. "What are you implying, Lucius?"

Lucius put on a look of total innocence and replied "Me? Implying anything? No, no, all I'm saying is that you rarely even wash your hair." Lucius knew that this was an absolute lie, but Bella's mind had gone a little funny since she was in Azkaban, so she'd be bound to get riled about anything.

Sure enough, in the blink of an eye, she had jumped on him and he now found himself lying on his back on the floor, Bellatrix sitting on top of him, holding his wrists in one hand and her wand in the other.

"I do too wash my hair." She hissed, jabbing the end of her wand into his neck. "At least my hair has an excuse to smell like flowers, Lucius. What yours? Stealing Cissy's shampoo?"

Ouch. She had got back at him. He tried to throw her off of him, not because she was hurting him, but because several people in surrounding aisles were watching them. One nearby woman whispered to her friend, "She's _sitting_ on her husband! I wonder if they had a fight…" Her friend whispered back "I heard them arguing…and look at that basket. All that medicine. I wonder if one of them is unstable. Probably her." The two women nodded in agreement as they looked on.

Lucius, not wanting to attract anymore attention that they already were, managed to shove Bellatrix off the top of him. She hit the shelf nearby. Now, Lucius knew this didn't hurt her one bit, but the watching women began to whisper. "Oh my. He threw her into the shelf." Said one and the other replied "I wonder if there's some sort of abuse hotline we could call." Others began to gather, all asking what was happening. "That man threw his wife into a shelf." Said one woman.

Lucius, sitting up, yelled, "SHE'S NOT MY WIFE. WE'RE NOT MARRIED! SHE'S MY SISTER-IN-LAW!"

The whole store seemed to grow silent after he yelled this. Then, one of the gossiping women said "Sir, does your wife know you throw her sister into shelves?" Lucius, holding back the desire to Crucio all the surrounding people, replied "No, miss, I don't think that's ever come up in a conversation, and I'll let you know that I don't make a habit of throwing relatives into shelves."

The gossiping woman said "Well, I should hope not." and turned and walked away. The rest of the crowd slowly dispersed after her.

Lucius sighed and offered Bellatrix a hand, but she waved it away and helped herself up. "I could go Crucio them, Lucius. It'd be fun. I promise."

Once more sighing (a thing he had been doing a lot), he said, "No, Bella. We better continue shopping. We've already wasted enough time."

So, after a quick consultation of the book, a consultation that resulted in them being even more lost, they chucked the book in the bottom of the basket. "I say, we should just buy everything!" proclaimed Bellatrix, and without waiting for Lucius to agree, she started at the nearest aisle, the one with the nail polish and make-up.

Lucius could not, for the life of him, figure out why they needed nail polish and make-up, but he followed behind silently, carrying the basket as Bella tossed eye shadow, mascara, blush, eye-liner, concealer, and foundation into it. Next, she loaded the basket up with every possible shade of nail-polish.

The next aisle was the hairspray, where poor frightened Ben lay unconscious on the floor. After piling the basket with every type of hairspray, Bellatrix also made quick work of the shampoo and conditioner aisle.

Now that the beauty products had ended, they found themselves in the greeting card aisle. Every card from "Happy Birthday Step-Father" to "Get Well Soon" was also thrown into the basket and that's when Lucius had to say something.

"Greeting cards?" he asked, watching as Bella grabbed wrapping paper off the shelf. "Why do we need greeting cards? Lord Voldemort is sick, Bella, sick, not in need of remembering someone's birthday. He doesn't even have a step-father."

Ignoring him, Bellatrix ran to the next aisle: the candy aisle. Realizing the consequences if the already insane Bellatrix were to eat candy, he ran after her, just in time for a 5 pound bag of M&M's to come flying at his face.

The next thing Lucius knew, he had a few people leaning over him, peering into his face. One held out a hand, which Lucius took as he got shakily to his feet. Bellatrix wasn't in the candy aisle, but judging from the wrappers on the floor, and the insane demented laughter coming from a few aisles over, she wasn't too far.

"Did your wife do this to you?" asked the person who had helped him up, and Lucius recognized her as one of the gossiping women.

"She's not my wife." He replied, trying to maintain his anger.

Another woman said "You know, you really should get some marriage help if you're in denial about your wife."

"FOR THE LAST TIME, SHE'S NOT MY WIFE, OKAY? I'M MARRIED TO HER SISTER!" he shouted.

"Oh," said the first woman. "Maybe that's where the problem lies. You have two wives. You three probably need to talk."

Lucius had had enough. "READ MY LIPS. THAT CRAZY WOMAN WEARING THE HALLOWEEN DRESS IS NOT MY WIFE. NOT MY WIFE!"

With people behind him still muttering about denial, Lucius walked briskly toward the aisle where the laughing was coming from. Immediately, he spotted Bellatrix at the end, piling bags of chips into a basket. When she saw him, she waved. "Hey Luci! I'm almost done shopping!" She heaved one of the baskets into his arms and pulled him along to the aisle with all the refrigerated items.

"Okay. The book said that a sick person needs liquids!" she exclaimed, reaching for a jug of orange juice. As she spoke, Lucius noticed she smelled distinctly of chocolate. Therein lay the reason why she was so happy.

"I thought you didn't read the book." He said, watching as she piled every type of juice they had into the basket.

"Oh, I didn't, but I've heard it somewhere." She finished lifting a jug of milk into the basket and then said "I think that's it!"

They saw the eyes of the clerk behind the counter widen as they shoved their 7 full baskets of Walgreens items onto the checkout stand. Needless to say, they held up the line for a good twenty minutes as the clerk checked and bagged everything they bought.

The final total was $500. Lucius and Bellatrix looked at each other. They both knew that they had no where near that amount in muggle money. Wizard money, yes. All Lucius had in the way of muggle money was $30 he had stolen from a muggle after he had Crucio'ed him and all Bellatrix had was $15 stolen from a little muggle girl she had Imperiused into setting up a lemonade stand.

"$500?" repeated Lucius. He knew what the clerk had said, but this distracted him a bit so he didn't notice when Bellatrix pointed her wand at him and muttered "Imperio"

A glazed, dreamy look came over the clerk's face.

"You don't want to charge us $500." Said Bellatrix.

"I don't want to charge you $500."

"You want to give us everything for free."

"I want to give you everything for free."

"Now, you want to jump off a cliff." She continued, smiling evilly. "And then you-"

"Bellatrix! We're not here to kill people. Let's just get our stuff and go." Snapped Lucius, picking up some bags and indicating that she should get the rest. She sighed, looking like he'd just robbed her of all her fun, and followed.

They were almost out the door when one of the women who had been gossiping earlier called out "I hope things work out between you and your wife!"

The comment was meant to be encouraging, but all it did was incense Lucius. He set down the bags, pulled his wand from beneath his jacket, and said "FOR THE LOVE OF VOLDEMORT, SHE'S NOT MY WIFE! WE'RE BOTH MARRIED, BUT NOT TO EACH OTHER, ALRIGHT!"

The woman who had made the comment turned to her friends and said "Poor soul. He's still in denial." She never got to finish her comment because, at that moment, Lucius screamed "AVADA KEDAVRA!"

Poor little gossiping woman fell to the floor, dead, as the rest of the store's occupants began to scream. At that point, both Lucius and Bellatrix realized that getting out of here couldn't be accomplished, so they promptly began to stun every single person in the store.

Several minutes and several spells later, Lucius and Bellatrix were the only standing people in Walgreens.

"We should leave now." Said Lucius, "But not with disapparating. We've already caused too much of a scene."

"Then," asked Bellatrix, "How do we leave?" But even as she asked this, Malfoy was rummaging in the pockets of one of the stunned muggles on the floor. When he stood up again, he had a pair of car keys in his hand.

"Now, I can deliver the medicine to Lord Voldemort!" He said triumphantly.

"Excuse me, Lucius, but I will be the one to deliver the medicine to Lord Voldemort." Snapped Bellatrix, trying to grab the keys.

"Excuse _me_ Bellatrix," he replied, pulling the keys out of her reach. "But I have the keys."

"I know how to drive."

"You do?"

"Of course."

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**Next chappie: "Hijacking a Car": They have to get home some way...**


	3. Hijacking A Car

**All right, my lovelies! Here's the next chapter of Voldemort Gets A Cold, from yours truly. I hope you like it as much as you did the last one...I myself had quite a bit of fun writing this. Once again, there is a mild OOC warning, because sometimes I get so carried away that I forget to keep them in character.**

**Anyway, please read and review. I apologize, 'cause this one is a little shorter...but I think it's good, too! This chapter might cause people to say "why didn't they use magic? They could've been home sooner! They use magic in the books!". Ah yes, but they also don't go to Walgreens, do they? It's all in the fun of my story!**

**No specific dedication, because I have too many reviewers now. Let's just say it's to all my reviewers and silent readers out there!**

**Reviews are great, constructive criticism is better!**

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Chapter 3: Hijacking a Car 

Speeding down the road in a rusty old pick-up at a speed unsafe for even an Indy 500 driver, it dawned on Lucius that Bellatrix had probably never set foot in a car. Her maniacal laughter as she ran a red light further proved his suspicion.

Cursing the fact that Bellatrix seemed to favor the gas pedal over the brake, he tightened his seatbelt and crossed his fingers.

"You know," he began in a forced conversational tone as she ran her fourth red light. "I do believe that you're supposed to stop when the light turns red, Bellatrix."

She made no sign that she had heard him and a few moments later, she ran her fifth illegal red light.

Lucius tightened his seatbelt even more so and prayed that he would be alive this time tomorrow. "Bella," he tried again. "Did you hear me?"

"Yes, Lucius." She replied in an impatient tone, and to his horror, she took her eyes off the road to glare at him. "But, honestly, where is your sense of fun?"

"My sense of fun?" he asked. "Oh, I don't know. Five miles back with my lungs and my spleen? I think I lost it at the moment when you went 100 down the hill." Seeing that she still was disregarding what was going on through the windshield, Lucius grabbed her by the chin and forced her to look straight again. "Keep your eyes on the road," he said sharply.

Bellatrix made a scathing noise. "If _you _know how to drive so well,_ Lucius_, maybe you should've offered to do so."

"If you would just slow down, _Bella_, and stop running red lights, you might drive just fine," he retorted, watching as muggles and cars alike tried to get out of the way of the insane woman driving a truck.

"I can't _stop_!" she said, pronouncing the word stop as if it were something evil. "It kills the momentum and makes the car slow down."

"Well, yes, I rather imagine that is the general idea of stopping, Bellatrix, and also the reason why cars have brake pedals."

Bellatrix glanced down at her feet. "Hmm," she said, looking rather astonished, as if she had just realized there was another pedal. "Imagine that."

"I do think it would be a good idea if you were to employ that pedal now and then, Bella."

"No, Luci. I don't think I will."

Lucius sighed for what had to be the twentieth time today and asked, trying hard to keep the frustration out of his voice, "Why not?"

She didn't reply but he could feel the car accelerate quite a bit. He looked through the window only to see another stoplight approaching fast.

"Use the brake, Bella. It'll be fun too."

"No."

The light was getting closer.

"The brake, please," he said tersely.

They were only a few yards away and, as Bellatrix deliberately ignored him, he saw the light turn red.

"USE THE BRAKE, WOMAN!"

Lucius hadn't been expecting her to listen to him, so of course it was a great shock when he saw her slam her foot down on the pedal. Were it not for the seatbelt that he had strapped so tightly that it was cutting off his circulation, he might've found himself flying out the windshield. Thankfully, he was held in.

Glancing over at Bellatrix, who had a mutinous look on her face, he was surprised to see, given that she had no seatbelt at all, that she hadn't appeared to move whatsoever at the abrupt stop.

"Oh, yes, that was loads of fun," she snapped sarcastically, drumming her fingers on the steering wheel. "Who'd want to drive at 110 when they can come to a screeching halt?"

Lucius sighed. "Put your seatbelt on," he commanded, and when she ignored him again, he reached over her and did it himself. Sometimes he got the feeling that he was taking care of his sister-in-law like she was a child.

Unprepared for the moment when the light turned green and when Bellatrix forced her foot onto the gas pedal again, Lucius felt the back of his head slam against the seat. Cursing several people, including Bellatrix and the maker of muggle cars, he leaned back in his seat and tried not to watch the destruction occurring outside the window.

xoxoxo

This process of driving at 110 and then coming to an abrupt halt went on for several miles, and just when Lucius thought they might finally be reaching home, he heard Bellatrix say "Uh oh."

Lucius sat up straight and looked at her. "What do you mean, 'uh oh'?"

She turned toward him, taking her eyes of the road once more, and, with a guilty smile, said "I think I missed the turn-off."

Finding they were on a rather deserted road, Lucius said, "Just put the car in reverse."

"Reverse. Right." She said, and there was silence for a moment until she spoke again. "How do you do that?"

"You put the shift stick to 'R'. Right now it's on 'D', for drive," he said evenly. "Although, it should be 'K' for kill," he muttered under his breath.

"Oh. Right." More silence ensued and then Bellatrix exclaimed, "I did it!"

"All right," said Lucius. "Now, back up and then drive the other way."

Bellatrix nodded and attempted to back up but when she tried, the car wouldn't move.

"I said "R", Bella, not "P" for park!" he cried, and then, deciding he had enough, he opened the passenger side door, stepped out of the truck, and walked around to the driver side.

"Get out," he commanded, opening the driver side door. "Out Bella. I'm driving now."

She didn't move so he unbuckled her seatbelt. "Now, please," he said, trying to remain calm and polite. "Just get out and you can get in on the other side."

"No."

Having enough, Lucius grabbed her and flung her over his shoulder, ignoring the shrieking protests and the fact that she was kicking him in the back. He walked around to the other side, shoved her in the passenger seat, buckled her seat belt, and slammed the door shut.

Once in the driver's seat, he got the car reversed and made his way back down the way they had gone, trying his absolute hardest to ignore Bellatrix, who seemed bent on distracting him.

After having her hand slapped away when she attempted, for the third time, to yank on his hair, she slumped in her seat and said "When you drive, it's no fun."

"When I drive, we don't stand the risk of dying, Bellatrix."

xoxoxo

10 minutes later, Lucius Malfoy began to have the tiniest glimmer of hope that they might get home in one piece. Since her last attempt to yank his hair, Bellatrix had remained silent and, as Lucius glanced over at her, he wondered if she had fallen into a chocolate induced coma. Lucius could only hope.

All hope evaporated a moment later when she said "Lucius, may I see your watch?" In his right mind, Lucius would have never, ever considered obliging her, but since he was primarily focused on getting home alive, he pulled the watch off his wrist and handed it to her.

He didn't expect her to say thanks, and when she didn't, his mind returned to driving slowly and carefully. It was only when he saw her roll the window down and chuck the watch out into the weeds at the side of the road, did he realize what a mistake he had made.

Slamming his foot down on the brakes, the truck rolled to a screeching halt. "What, may I ask, did you do that for?" he snarled, all thought of restraining his anger gone.

She shrugged. "I don't know. I guess my hand…slipped."

"Well, Bella, be my guest and go get it, would you?"

"Why should I?"

"You threw it out the window. I think that's a pretty sufficient reason!"

She sighed. "Lucius, it's called chivalry. Besides, it's your watch."

He glared at her, wishing murderous fates upon her and wishing that he could just kill her right here and now. However, he knew it would do no good to bring her corpse back when they had just been supposed to buy medicine.

"All right, I'll be back." Lucius said, climbing out of the truck.

"I'll be right here." She called, smiling maliciously as he stomped off into the weeds.

xoxoxo

After tracking down his watch a mile back on the road, it occurred to Lucius that she may have driven off without him. After coming to the conclusion that this was very likely, he sprinted back to where the truck (hopefully) was.

Relieved to find it still sitting there, Lucius walked around to the driver's seat, only to find Bellatrix sitting there, hands on the wheel, a defiant look on her face.

"Bella?"

"Yes?"

"Get out."

"No, Luci. I'm driving now."

"Like heck you are! Get out."

"Passenger door is open, Luci."

Realizing that the only thing arguing would accomplish was Luci-Corpse on the side of the highway, he walked around and sat in the passenger seat. "There you go!" said Bellatrix, smiling as she put the truck in drive. "Isn't that better?"

"Just drive, Bella."

xoxoxo

As soon as the car pulled up in front of Malfoy Manor, Lucius flung himself onto the ground and began kissing it. Apparently angry at having her driving time revoked, Bellatrix had made a point of driving even faster that she had before.

So happy just to be alive, Lucius collapsed on the floor. Only when he remembered the Walgreens items did he get up off the floor and stumble to the truck, only to find it completely void of bags.

"Beat you to it, Luci!" Bellatrix called, and he looked up to find her already at the gate to the house, all $500 worth of items in her arms.

Lucius sighed, again, and ran up to her, although all he really wanted to do now was sleep and avoid Bellatrix for as long as possible.

* * *

**Like it? Love it? Hate it? Well, press that little purple-ish button and tell me, please!**

**Specific Comment Replies:**

**jewelledhunter: I'm glad you like my story and I'm really sorry...no degree of Imperio could make me put out a chappie per day...not with school and such! **

**Pink Illusion: Also glad you like my story! Yeah...punctuating dialogue is not my forte...**

**teddylonglong: Kill voldie with the medicine? Hmm...I might have to consider that!**

**x-Scarlett-x: If Bella and Lucius were married...that would be an absolute disaster...but that is an amazing idea for a story!**

**Everyone else: Wondering What Breakfast Is, BookMissionaryAuthor, Da Phoenix 13, Hikitsulover-818, S4ltv1n3g4r, Grace Cullen, authorofmyownmind, and Princess-Laurelin: I really apreciate the reviews and I'm glad you like my story!**

**Next chappie: "Voldemort's Lament" : What has Voldie been doing while Bella and Lucius were shopping?**

**One last note: It's been almost a week, so I'm not above groveling: I put up a story "Together and Apart". If you like Bella and Sirius (not neccesarily incest) then you should read and review for me, please! People have read, but no review and I can't figure out why...anyway, I'll stop before you all get mad at me for begging and being pathetic. Until next Friday! See ya!**


	4. Voldemort's Lament

**All right, my darling lovely reviewers and readers! Excuse me if I'm a little spacey...I'm discussing the wonder that was the most recent Avatar episode as I'm typing this author's note.**

**Anyway, here's the fourth chappie of my story. It's "Voldemort's Lament" as some of you know, but it's probably not as earth-shatteringly wonderful as I think some of you thought it would be...don't get me wrong! I'm not dissing my story. I like this chapter! It's just a little...short. I just think of it as sort of a...filler. I had no plans to write this, but then I decided my story was missing something. Thus, this chapter was born! If Voldie is too OOC, just remember, he's being overly dramatic. It's part of his character in my story.**

**This chapter is, once again, dedicated to no one specifically, just my wonderful reviewers and silent readers out there! Enjoy!**

**Reviews are great, constructive criticism is better!**

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Chapter 4: Voldemort's Lament 

Voldemort was not having a fantastic day. In fact, he wasn't even having a reasonably decent day. This had to be one of the worst days of his life. It fell somewhere between the day the Death Eaters lost the prophecy and the day that they killed off Enrique on his favorite soap opera, "The Old and the Content."

Not only was he confined to his room, sick and with a horrible temperature, but the expected flood of Death Eaters, all aggrieved by his illness, had never come. (Curse that federal law that stated that all members/participants/groupies etc. of all unofficial organizations/cults/packs must be given at least two weeks off for mental health!) The only two Death Eaters stupid/devoted enough to defy federal law were at Walgreens and the only one who had come by had had less than a satisfactory reaction to his illness.

_After a particularly nasty coughing attack, Voldemort settled himself upon his pillows to watch his second favorite soap, "Misleading Darkness." The story of Rock's love for Carmella was so compelling that he couldn't stop watching._

_He was on the verge of tears as Carmella proclaimed that she liked Rock's brother Stone better, when there was a knock on the door._

_Voldemort flicked off the TV, put on a look that he felt suggested death and weariness, and called feebly "Come in." _

_Rudolphus walked inside, did the customary respectful bow, stood up and said "Good afternoon, My Lord. I was wondering if you've seen my wife lately."_

_Voldemort sighed. "One could not begin to fathom where Bellatrix might be at the moment, Rudolphus. Last I heard, she and Malfoy were going to Walgreens to buy me some medicine."_

_The medicine comment going completely over his head, Rudolphus smiled. "Thank you, My Lord. If you see her, please tell Bellatrix I'm looking for her." He gave a cheery wave and turned around, heading for the door._

_"Rudolphus?" The man stopped in his tracks and turned around. _

_"Yes, My Lord?"_

_"Don't you want to know why she went to get medicine for me?"_

_Rudolphus shrugged. "Because she's a suck up?"_

_"Well…there is that…"_

_"As long as she's not committing murder, My Lord, I really don't care where she is." Rudolphus said, trying to disguise his impatience. _

_"Well, then, don't you want to know why I need medicine?"_

_The look on Rudolphus' face suggested that he could care less, but all the same, he said "Yes, My Lord. Why do you need medicine?"_

_His exasperated, sarcastic tone was totally lost on the Dark Lord._

_Voldemort gave a dramatic cough and a wheeze. "I am gravely ill and I have a life-threatening disease. The-"_

_"You can buy medicine for a life threatening disease at Walgreens?"_

_"Shut up, Rudolphus. That's not the point. Do not question Lord Voldemort." Here, he gave another dramatic hacking cough. "Like I was saying, the doctors say I may not live past this week…"_

_Of course, this was an absolute lie, but he couldn't tell everyone that he, Lord Voldemort, had a muggle cold. Lucius's story just wasn't satisfyingly horrible enough for him. He needed to spin a tale of woe, one that made him out to be a brave hero, looking Death in the face. He, Lord Voldemort, have a muggle illness? It just wasn't pity-evoking._

_"So, Rudolphus, I am dying…" he concluded, shutting his eyes and waiting for the sobs and cries._

_None came, and when he opened his eyes, it was to find that Rudolphus had Disapparated._

Curse Rudolphus and his uncaring ways! Lord Voldemort, as stated previously, was having a positively un-fantastic day. He sighed and shut his eyes, only to open them a moment later at the sound of screeching tires.

Getting out of his (death)bed, he looked out the window. A rusty old pick-up had just pulled up and out of it climbed Bellatrix and Lucius, the latter of whom flung himself to the ground and began, to Voldemort's disbelief, kissing it. He shook his head, wondering if he was imagining it and his attention turned to Bellatrix who was grabbing several large white plastic bags out of the back of the truck.

"Good Lord…" said Lord Voldemort aloud. "Did they buy the whole store?" However, he had no time to ponder this as he heard the front door bang open, along with shrieks and arguing.

"I told you, Luci. I will bring Lord Voldemort his medicine."

"And I've told you, Bella, that _I_ will bring the medicine."

Footsteps echoed up the staircase and, as the door to his room opened, Voldemort began to wonder whether or not just dying from his illness would have been a better choice.

* * *

**Like it? Love it? Hate it? Well, press that little purple-ish button and tell me, please!**

**By the way, the soap operas "The Old and the Content" and "Misleading Darkness" are parodies of "The Young and the Restless" and "Guiding Light". My mom watches those all the time, so my dad and I have names for them...**

**Individual Reviews:**

**jewelledhunter: Wow...that is an awesome image...Jason Issacs beating his head on the ground...that just makes me smile.**

**authorofmyownmind: Don't worry...it doesn't look like this story will be ending for a while more! I'm glad you like it!**

**armywife012205: I'm glad you found it so funny! Sorry that I made you poke yourself in the eye!**

**Everyone else: power214063, slytherin360, Princess-Laurelin, Grace Cullen, S4ltv1n3g4r, Wondering What Breakfast Is, moonflowerlady, Hikitsulover-818, and Merritina, thanks for reading and reviewing. I'm glad you like my story so much!**

**Here, I must make a note that I hope you all read: Up until this point, I've had all the chapters written, so I just had to post them weekly. Now, however, I have no more chapters, so I will have to actually write them weekly...don't worry! I'm not backing out on this story. I just thought I should tell you this. I have a number of ideas in my head, but I haven't yet been able to form them all into an actual story yet. In fact, I have no idea how this story will end! So, I'm just here to extend an offer to you people: I haven't been sick since I started this story, back in July, so if any of you have any ideas that I can add to my plot, feel free to tell me. They just may end up in my story!**

**Next chappie (I think): "I Think We've Overdosed Him, Luci." It's a tentative title...**

**Well, until next Friday! See ya!**


	5. I Think We've Overdosed Him, Luci

**All right my darlings! I'm so so so sorry! This chapter is a little bit late (voice inside my head: a little bit? Try 4 days), and I want to tell you all that I am so sorry! However, I have a legitimate reason: on Friday night, there was a Haunted House put on by the Drama dept. at my school, so I helped out. I was at school from 7 in the morning to 9:30 at night...it was a long day, but I had fun!**

**Anyway, before I start this chapter, let me share a few things: First off, I think I'm going insane, so if this chapter is odd, I'm sorry...this whole weekend, I've been humming random songs and singing "Poor Thing" from Sweeney Todd and "Good Morning Baltimore" from Hairspray...don't even ask...trust me. Second: I spelled Rodolphus' name wrong in chapter 4! Oh my gosh...I didn't even know until last night...no wonder every was calling him Rod...(bangs head on desk) I'm such a bloody idiot!!! (No, I'm not even remotely British, but I'm Bella for Halloween, so I've got to get in character). You are all so sweet! No one even told me I spelled it wrong!**

**Right, before this chapter is mostly me ranting, I'll get to the point...Here it is, everyone. The late chapter 5 of "Voldemort Gets A Cold." Everyone, especially Bella, is OOC, but I think it's good either way. Enjoy!**

**This chappie is dedicated to all my reviewers.**

**Reviews are great, constructive criticism is better!**

* * *

Voldemort barely had a chance to turn from the window, let alone get back into bed, before he heard a shriek. The next thing he knew, Bellatrix had vaulted across the room, dropping bags as she went, and had tackled him back onto the bed.

Being suffocated by sheets, pillows, and robes was not something he really wanted to experience at the moment. Voldemort couldn't be quite sure, but he was pretty positive that Bellatrix was trying to tuck him in.

"Bellatrix," he wheezed, the air in his lungs lessening by the second. "Get-off-me-now."

The pressure on his body lessened. "Sick people aren't supposed to be out of bed, My Lord. They're supposed to rest. It's what the book says."

Voldemort sighed and looked at Bellatrix, who was holding a copy of a book titled "Colds For Dummies". He was seized with a sudden urge to Crucio Bella and burn the book…there was only one problem.

Voldemort was tucked into bed so tight that he couldn't move his arms.

He sighed again and turned his attention back to the two Death Eaters, who were now standing next to each other, a few feet away, each holding white plastic bags.

"You were gone all day." Voldemort tried to deliver this sentence as nonchalant as he could possibly manage. Really, he only cared because he had been bored out of his mind…better to keep that a secret.

Lucius looked ready to answer, but Bellatrix cut across him. "Yes, My Lord, but we bought so many things!" As if Voldemort had asked, she began to pull things out of the bags and explain each one in turn.

Voldemort sighed for the third time in five minutes and tuned Bella out. Oh cruel humanity! Why must he be surrounded by such insufferable fools! Why could no one just cure him? People loved him, didn't they? Shouldn't everyone be a little more concerned? Why did the only ones who cared have to be the King and Queen of Suck-Up Ville?

Done with his little mind-rant, he turned his attention back to Bellatrix. She seemed to be in the middle of showing him some thing called "nail polish".

"Bella, shut up. Lucius, come here a moment." Bellatrix, looking a little put-out, grew silent and Lucius stepped forward.

"Lucius, will any of these things actually cure my…" Here, he dropped his voice to a whisper. "…_cold_?"

Lucius shrugged and shifted awkwardly. "It's…possible, My Lord. We'll just have to see"

Voldemort was about to kill Lucius on the spot when he remembered that he couldn't move his arms. "Fine," he huffed.

Lucius, looking immensely relieved that he had just escaped imminent death, began to walk toward the door. "Well, I must be off…I've got to run to the…Ministry. Bellatrix will take care of you." He turned on the spot and disapparated.

Voldemort looked at Bella, still standing there with her "nail polish", and said a silent prayer for himself.

As soon as Lucius had left, Bellatrix tucked him in even tighter, fluffed up the pillows, and closed the curtains on the window. She turned to him with a smile that spelled imminent doom.

"You stay here My Lord. I'll go get some medicine and I promise that you'll be better in no time!" Voldemort shifted uncomfortably under his suffocating covers. She was just a little too happy…whenever Bellatrix was happy, it was never a good sign.

She smiled again (really, it was creepy. She needed to stop) and turned on the T.V. "Here. You can watch something educational." She flipped through the channels, found the right one, placed the remote on top of the T.V., and vanished out the door.

It seemed ages before Bellatrix returned. She had left the channel on Nickelodeon and Voldemort had been treated to an episode of mind-numbing cuteness. He was just being introduced to the wonder that was the Spongebob Squarepants "F-U-N" song when she returned.

She was holding a tray, on top of which were a glass of juice, a funnel, and five tablets of Benadryl. "Alright, My Lord," she said, coming over to the bedside. "It's time for your medication."

He eyed the tray suspiciously. "What's the funnel for?"

"Let's hope it doesn't have to come to that."

Voldemort gulped, but put the thought at the back of his mind. He would do anything to make the incessant singing stop, but even so, he questioned five tablets.

"Bella, isn't five a little…much?"

She shook her head, setting the tray on the table next to the bed. "Nonsense. It says that two tablets relieve a cold fast, so I figured that five must make it go away immediately!" Without another word, or warning, she shoved the five tablets into his mouth, followed by the juice.

When Lucius returned back to Malfoy Manor a few hours later and stepped through the door, he was greeted with silence. That meant one of two things: Bellatrix had killed the Dark Lord…or everything had gone well. He wasn't sure which one he hoped for.

He had no time to call for Bella, or to check if Voldemort was dead, because the next moment, Bellatrix came flying down the stairs.

Lucius was sure that Bellatrix would have been in tears if the Dark Lord had died, so he figured that all must be well.

"So…how did it go?" he asked warily.

"Great! He's asleep right now!"

Lucius sighed, but for the first time today, it wasn't a sigh of exasperation, but one of relief. He walked up the stairs past Bellatrix, making his way to the room where Voldemort resided. He wanted to make sure.

However, upon entering the room, he realized that the Dark Lord wasn't "asleep."

No one that Lucius knew looked like that when they slept.

Resisting the urge to bang his head on the wall, Lucius rubbed his temples and sighed. "Good Lord, Bella…"

After regaining his composure, he stomped back down the staircase. Without a word, he walked up to Bellatrix, seized her by the wrist, and dragged her up the stairs after him.

"Lucius!" she protested. "Unhand me! I really don't see what this is about!" Lucius didn't answer, but when they reached the Dark Lord's room, he took her by the shoulders and shoved her toward the bed.

"Bellatrix…" he began, trying to keep cool and not Crucio her, if only for the reason that his wife probably wouldn't want him to murder her sister. "Do people you know usually foam at the mouth when they sleep?"

She tilted her head to the side, as if she really had to think about that question.

"Bellatrix!" he snapped, pointing at the comatose Dark Lord. "Look at him, would you?"

Lord Voldemort was lying on the bed, foaming at the mouth, eyes rolling back in his head, seriously unconscious.

"What did you give him?"

"…Benadryl."

Lucius could see nothing illegal about that. "How many Benadryl?"

"…A few."

"Does that look like 'a few' to you?"

Bellatrix didn't answer, still enraptured by the passed out Voldemort.

"Bellatrix, how many did you give him?"

"…Five."

Lucius sighed once more and swept out of the room, down to the kitchen, and fetched the box of medicine.

"Bellatrix," he said, struggling to keep his voice even. "Did you even read the box?"

"No."

"It says to give him two every 12 hours. Every 12 hours."

Bellatrix turned toward him, guilt written across her face. She glanced back at Voldemort and whispered "I think we've overdosed him, Luci."

Now, Lucius just couldn't take it.

"_WE_ OVERDOSED HIM? WE? I'VE BEEN GONE FOR OVER THREE HOURS! HOW COULD I HAVE HAD A_NY_ PART IN THIS?"

Bellatrix crossed her arms. "You should've told me how much to give him, O Great Master of the Muggle Illness…you seem to know _everything_."

"I do know how much trouble you'll be in when he wakes up…if he wakes up…"

At this statement, Bellatrix shrieked and fell to the floor, sobbing. "I've killed the Dark Lord! Killed him! Killed! He's dead because of me! Dead! Dead! I should die too!"

Her wailing had reached decibels that Lucius' ears couldn't handle. "Bella…"he said through gritted teeth. "Shut up, please. We'll figure something out. He's not dead yet." He shouldn't have added the 'yet' to the sentence.

"Yet?" she howled, crumpling even more on the floor. "See? You think he'll die, don't you?"

"Bella."

"Dead! He's dead!"

"Bella, please."

"It's my fault!"

Reaching his last resort, Lucius knelt down and slapped Bellatrix across the face. "FOR THE LAST TIME, SHUT UP! HE'S NOT DEAD, SO WE NEED TO DO SOMETHING!"

The crying ceased at once. "Fine," she snapped, holding one hand to the angry red mark on her face. "What do you suggest?"

"We need to snap him out of the coma."

This was how, a few moments later, Bellatrix and Lucius were levitating a sleeping (overdosed) Voldemort down the stairs and into the bathroom. Their plan was to shock him out of it, in the hopes that he'd wake up.

It turned out that levitating him through the manor wasn't as easy as they thought. They had smacked him, unintentionally, of course, against door frames several times.

"Lucius," Bellatrix grumbled, as they made their way down the stairs. "Why did we have to use the bathroom downstairs? Wasn't there one across the hall?"

Lucius paused for a moment and then smacked himself on the forehead. "I knew this was too difficult…"

It didn't matter now, anyway. They had reached the bathroom. Moments earlier, they had filled the tub with ice water…it this didn't work, nothing would.

"Alright," Lucius began. "Ease him gently into the tub-"A sickening crack resounded through the house at that moment, interrupting Lucius. Bellatrix had lifted the charm a bit too early and the Dark Lord had gone flopping into the water, hitting his head on the porcelain tub.

"Oops."

"Bellatrix, you really are not very smart."

"Speak for yourself, Luci. I think-"

However, she never got to finish her sentence as a scream split the air. Even the minor concussion that he may have gotten from falling wasn't enough to make the water's freezing effect lost on Voldemort. Stunned out of his coma, Voldemort had woken up.

Needless to say, he was not very happy when he found himself chin-high in a bath full of freezing water and ice cubes.

Dragging his soaking self, robes and all, out of the tub, he fixed both Death Eaters with a glare. His teeth were chattering so bad that they could hardly understand when he spoke.

"W-who's s-s-stupid idea w-was t-this?" He was fishing in his pocket for his wand as he said this.

Bellatrix laughed nervously. "Well," she said, looking at an imaginary watch. "Look at the time. I've got to go! See you Luci!" She disapparated before Lucius could protest.

Lord Voldemort smiled evilly, still shivering. "Crucio time then, isn't it…'_Luci_'?_"

* * *

_**Like it? Love it? Hate it? Well, press that little purple-ish button and tell me, please?**

**So, what'd ya think? Too stupid? Too OOC? Too violent? (Don't ask, my dad said it was...) Want the next chappie?**

**I have no specific reviews, so thanks to all my reviewers (of this chappie): Wondering What Breakfast Is, Dark Ketchum, armywife012205, Passionate Fire, Princess-Laurelin, Inu-midoriko, slytherin360, Angel-o-Darkness, authorofmyownmind, x-Scarlett-x, and 17ginny17. I'm glad you all liked my story and reviewed.**

**Same goes to all you silent people, who favorite my story, read it, put in on your alerts, but don't review. (Voice: Shut up, Megan...you know you _always_ read stories and don't review). I'm still glad you like it!**

**Next chappie: "Muggle Soup": Because sick people need soup! (Once again, don't ask...it's tentative)**

**Alright, this is my new thing called "Megan Has Writer's Block and Needs Story Help" I need a tiny bit of help. I'm writing a story (not saying the summary, I'm still thinking) so I'm going to ask three questions that I need help about. You don't have to answer, but if you do, add the answer to your review or PM me.**

**1.If a pureblood and a halfblood have a kid, what would it's blood status be?**

**2.In my story, how old should Bella and Rodolphus be when they get married and/or when they join the Death Eaters?**

**3.How does Bella's age relate to Rodolphus'? (i.e.: how many years apart in age are they?)**

**If you have an opinion, let me know! I'm sorry the A/N is so long!**


	6. WalMart Kills People

**Oh, hello again, my lovely lovely darlings! I am so so so sorry...I feel so absolutely horrible! I haven't updated this story in a month! Oh, I hope you all haven't totally lost interest and hate me now! That'd make me so terribly sad! **

**Wow...what is it with all the exclamation points? Geez...I guess I'm in a peppy, apologetic mood right now...or I'm really happy because I just watched Avatar...maybe both.**

**Anyway, before I tell you about my chapter, let me say I'm so so sorry once more. I'll spin you a tale of woe (not really): You see, I'm in Drama at my high school and currently, we're putting on a production of Streetcar Named Desire...well, my friend and I decided to sign up to be in the chorus...turns out, being in the chorus means we have to dance...I've never danced in my life...oh well! It's a lot of fun, but it's also a lot of work. I just wanted to let you know what the reason was for the delay. (The show starts Dec. 7th. Wish me luck!)**

**Alright, now, onto my new chappie! In this chapter, Lucius and Bella go to Wal-Mart (no, it's not going to be like the Walgreens chapter...I've got different ideas)...unfortunately, this chapter is two parts, because I didn't want to upload the whole thing, because it'd be really long...**

**Anyway, I hope you all enjoy! This chapter is dedicated to authorofmyownmind because the Wal-Mart thing was her idea. Thank you, love!**

**Oh, wait! You want to hear something funny: I was writing this chapter and I was trying to write Voldemort and cold at the same time, so I wrote "Coldemort"! Hehe...well, I thought it was funny!**

**The "OOOOOOOO" are line breaks.**

**If anyone if offended by Wal-Mart bashing, I'd leave now...I don't really like Wal-Mart...**

**Reviews are great, constructive criticism is better!**

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Lord Voldemort was an unhappy man. No, scratch that. Lord Voldemort was an unhappy, _sick _man. Even after the several attempts by his Death Eaters to cure him, Lord Voldemort was still suffering the common muggle cold. Granted, the attempts had been stupid and unsuccessful, but even so.

After almost having his skull split open by the idiots he liked to call his "most faithful", and after a particularly nice torturing session with Lucius (he called them "sessions", to ward off the sense of danger), Lord Voldemort had ordered the two not to come back ever again. Lucius had left in two seconds flat after hearing that.

Lord Voldemort had regretted that decision a few moments later when he was seized with a coughing attack and had contracted a 101 degree fever.

Voldemort had howled, Crucio'ed things, and kicked a few puppies.

However, Bellatrix and Lucius, true to their overly-devoted ways, hadn't come running.

Curse their suck-up-ish tendencies.

**OOOOOOOO**

After more fits of rage, more puppy kicking, quite a bit of swearing, and some ice cream gorging, Voldemort had come to the decision that he needed to surpass his superior ways and call them back.

When he did, they showed up in a millisecond.

Lord Voldemort had, naturally, arranged himself in his best "pity-me" position upon his bed, and when they Apparated into his midst, he waved a feeble hand toward them.

"Bella, Lucius," he croaked, squinting his eyes like an old man. "Come…closer. Where are you, my children?"

There was a moment's hesitation, in which both were undoubtedly trying to figure out why they were being called his "children", and then Bella's voice. "Are you…um…" she seemed to be searching for the right word. "…blind, my Lord?"

There was a beat of silence, and then Bella started wailing. "Oh my gosh! You are! You're blind! Forgive me, My Lord!"

Lord Voldemort was still pretending to not see, but he felt Bella throw herself at him, because he was suddenly having difficulty breathing, and there was a death grip around his neck.

Lucius sighed from somewhere a few feet away. "He's not blind."

Bellatrix, still sobbing, snapped back. "Oh, shut up, Lucius. If he is blind, it's your fault!"

"Good lord, how on earth is it my fault?"

"You're the one who decided to put him in the ice water."

"I said we needed to wake him up. You're the one who suggested we give him hypothermia."

"You agreed."

"Because you're such a stubborn-."

Lord Voldemort snapped open his eyes and shoved Bellatrix away from him. "FOR THE LOVE OF ME, YOUR GREATEST DARK LORD, WILL YOU TWO JUST SHUT IT FOR ONE MINUTE?"

Silence descended over the room. Bellatrix and Lucius, still glaring at one another, shifted nervously a few feet away.

Lord Voldemort sighed, rubbed his temples, and thought for a moment. Then, a marvelous idea hit him. "Fetch me a quill and parchment."

Lucius sprang for the door, but Bellatrix reached it first. "I'll get it, My Lord!" she exclaimed, running out the door. Lucius followed, shouting insults at her.

Their footsteps pounded down the staircase, accompanied by a bang and an evil laugh from Bellatrix.

Lord Voldemort sighed once more and looked at the piece of parchment which was lying on the table a few feet away. He had really only announced that he needed parchment to be dramatic…stupid Death Eaters.

**OOOOOOOO**

Once they had returned with the items, Voldemort had snatched them away and had set to writing a list. When he was done, he handed it to the two of them.

"I need these items. If you two don't want to die premature deaths, you'd better get them all."

Bella opened her mouth, as if she were about to suggest that their deaths wouldn't really be that "premature", as they weren't that young. Before she could say it, however, Lucius had clapped a hand around her mouth.

He studied the list. "So, to Walgreens again?"

Voldemort chuckled evilly. "Oh no. You won't find these at Walgreens. You'll have to go to…" Here he paused for dramatic effect. "…Wal-Mart!"

If his life was a movie, here is where Voldemort imagined the music would swell in a sinister and menacing tone, and he'd let out a great, evil laugh and terror would fill the faces of Bellatrix and Lucius.

Instead, they looked at him with blank stares.

"Wal-Mart, My Lord?"

Voldemort nodded, trying not to let his disappointment show. "Wal-Mart. The king of all horrors."

**OOOOOOOO**

Bellatrix and Lucius had set out a few moments later (after a nasty shouting match that had resulted after Bella had bitten Lucius's hand), destined for Wal-Mart. Not wanting to re-live their car driving excursion, they decided that Apparating there would be fastest, and probably less obvious…

Wal-Mart was an entirely different setting than Walgreens. There were people everywhere, unsmiling, unhappy people, who seemed to kill you with their eyes if you looked at them for too long.

After being "greeted" by one of these unhappy people, Bellatrix and Lucius stood in the middle of the store, quite unsure what to do. People rushed passed them, shopping carts loaded high with cheaply priced items, not bothering to apologize when they ran into each other.

"Well," began Lucius, after several awkward moments of staring around. "Where should we start?"

To his surprise, Bella ripped the list in half and handed him one piece. "You take that stuff, I'll take these," she said, brandishing her own list. "There's no way I'm going shopping with you, Lucius Malfoy." Bellatrix stalked off before he could reply and he was left with a stupefied look on his face, still holding one half of the list.

Sighing, he looked down at the writing:

Paper towels

Bubble Gum

Butter

Pudding

"How to Kill your Death Eaters While Still Making Them Feel Needed: A Self-Help Book"

Lucius could not, for the life of him, figure out why the Dark Lord needed any of these things (and the last one made him break out in a cold sweat), but he shrugged and set off to find the paper towels.

**OOOOOOOO**

Once Bella had decided that she was a reasonable distance away from Lucius, she stopped to study her own list:

Carrots

Potatoes

Chicken

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix DVD

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

Tissues

Ear Plugs

Bella, like Lucius, didn't know why the Dark Lord could possibly need any of these things, but she did think he had quite nice handwriting. Sighing in admiration of his fine penmanship, she went off to find the carrots.

**OOOOOOOO**

Lucius hadn't had to walk far to find the paper towels, as he had been right next to the aisle, but he was having more trouble finding the bubble gum. After detouring to grab a shopping cart, he had wandered around the store for at least twenty minutes, trying to find anything that had the words bubble or gum in them. So far, he had grabbed some bubble soap and some bubble bath, as well as some prescriptive dental gum, but no where could he actually find bubble gum.

Lucius was beginning to wonder if the Dark Lord had made that up in a fit of insanity, when he happened upon a little boy. This little boy had just been in the middle of blowing a big, pink bubble. It was unmistakably bubble gum.

"Excuse me, little boy," he said, walking toward the bubble-blowing kid, who looked at him with fear. "Where did you get that?"

The little boy looked confused. "Where'd I get what, big scary man? My shirt? I got that at the store with my mommy."

Lucius sighed and pointed again. Once more, the little boy looked puzzled.

"My mouth? Geez, mister, everyone has a mouth. Even scary weirdoes like you!" He giggled, probably thinking that he was extremely clever. Then, he looked up innocently. "My mommy says I can't talk to strangers."

Lucius, growing increasingly annoyed, said "Well, your mommy isn't here right now." Suddenly, a shadow fell over them both. Lucius looked up to see a large, muscular woman with biceps the size of semi-trucks standing behind the little boy.

The boy giggled again. "Mommy teaches kick-boxing."

The woman cracked her knuckles.

Lucius squeaked and scurried away in fear.

**OOOOOOOO**

Bellatrix had cursed, shouted, cut in line, threatened to kill people, and hit some shoppers upside the head with her shoe, but she had managed to procure the carrots and potatoes from the produce section, as well as grab a chicken from the poultry aisle. After all, that was the important thing, wasn't it?

Now, she was on a mission to find the Order of the Phoenix DVD.

Navigating her way though the aisles of media, she finally found the rack of DVDs. She had snatched up a copy and was beginning to walk away when the TV next to the display caught her eye.

On it was playing a movie. The movie looked extremely familiar. A group of teenagers were standing in a dimly lit hallway, speaking to two older people. Her attention was caught for a second, and then she shrugged and started to leave once more.

She stopped in her tracks when she heard her name. She spun around to the TV, only to find someone who looked really familiar.

She shrieked, earning glares from some unhappy people around her. "Do I really look like that?"

She stared in horrified fascination for a moment, before a terrible thought occurred to her. "Yes!" she began, whispering frantically to herself. "Obviously this place is a madhouse!" She laughed hysterically, looking around suspiciously. "Madhouse! Everyone here must be out to get me…they must have filmed me. That's why they have this video!"

She cast one more glance at the TV, laughed like a crazed lunatic, and fainted on the floor.

**OOOOOOOO**

Lucius, trying his hardest to get away from the kick-boxing mother and her giggling son, had run all around the store, only to accidentally find the bubble gum that had caused him so much strife. He cursed and was tempted to rip his hair out but, remembering the therapy sessions he'd gone to, thanks to Narcissa, he was able to calm himself.

Now, mumbling to himself, he set off in search of butter and pudding. After wandering for a few moments, he decided that he should probably ask someone for help.

He sought out the nearest employee, who was stacking cans of soup in the next aisle.

"Excuse me, sir," he said to the boy who seemed to be wearing make-up, black nail-polish, and a lot of jewelry. "Where is the pudding?"

The boy fixed him with a look so depressing that Lucius felt like he was falling into a deep pit of darkness. "My life is a black abyss of unhappiness…my parents don't understand me…my life is over…oh the agony…"

Lucius just stared open mouthed at the boy before he regained his composure, said "Uh…thanks," and walked away.

**OOOOOOOO**

When Bellatrix came to on the dirty tile floor in the entertainment section, she realized that there was a very unhappy Wal-Mart employee standing over her.

"Excuse me, miss. Taking a nap?" The employee sounded as if she hadn't had a day off in a few years.

Bellatrix stood up and took out her wand. "Crucio," she deadpanned. The employee fell slumped on the floor.

Stepping over the body, Bellatrix decided that, if there was some sort of conspiracy against them, she'd better go find Lucius.

**OOOOOOOO**

Lucius had scurried away from the depressed boy as fast as he could and had decided to seek out another person to help him, this time, a customer.

The first person he saw happened to be a woman in a sweater, carrying a shopping basket on her arm.

"Excuse me-." The words died on his lips as he realized that he'd met this woman before.

Likewise, the woman's eyes widened as well. "It's you!" she exclaimed in shock. Then, a smile lit her face. "How are things with your wife?"

Lucius screamed, really not wanting to re-live the scene at Walgreens and ran as fast as he could away from her, not even looking to see where he was heading.

When he stopped, he was standing in the middle of a lot of brightly colored dresses and clothes.

Lucius looked up, puzzled…and that's when he realized.

He was absolutely, completely lost.

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**Like it? Love it? Hate it? Well, press that little purple-ish button and tell me, please!**

**Ooh, a cliffie! Woo!!!**

**Just kidding. Okay, I'm not gonna do individual reviews, but I'll thank everyone for reviewing: Trix are for kids, Princess-Laurelin, notwolf, Wondering What Breakfast Is, Grace Cullen, Rosebud811, Pink Illusion, Da Phoenix 13, authorofmyownmind, x-Scarlett-x, BonniDolle, slytherin360, BellatrixsLament, and STEPHiE.**

**Also, thanks to BellatrixsLament, slyhtherin360, x-Scarlett-x, authorofmyownmind, Da Phoenix 13, Pink Illusion, Grace Cullen, and Trix are for kids for answering my questions! You all helped me so much!**

**Oh, if you're a little confused, let me explain a few things: The lady Lucius ran into was one of the gossiping women from Walgreens. Also, Bella's little freak-out: If you've seen the 5th movie, it's the part where she's like "He knows how to play. Itty...bitty...baby...Potter." Then, Neville says "Bellatrix Lestrange.", so that's what I meant by she heard her name...just thought I'd let you know!**

**Also, the "Because you're a stubborn-." line...what do you think he was about to call her? Gee...I wonder...hehe...**

**Side note: Mmm...Panda Express is good...it's what I'm eating now...**

**Next Chappie: "Muggle Soup" They'll get the ingredients, then they'll actually make the soup. Fun, huh?**

**Okay, for the next chapter, I'm thinking of making another character make a cameo appearance. Who do you all think it should be? (Not Harry, please. They're going to kidnap him in chapter 8, so he's already taken care of.)**

**Oh, and by the way, I'm going to write a LuciusBellatrix story! All this Lucius and Bellatrix writing with no romance whatsoever has made me want to write a story. Look for it soon!**

**Well, until next week (hopefully). Ja ne! Peace out!**


	7. WalMart Kills People, Part 2

**First off: No, this is not the apocalypse. This is me, actually updating this story. With a real chapter. Not an author's note. Yes, I'm in as much shock as you are.**

**Second: I'm so sorry. There's no excuse for why this hasn't been updated in three years. I just, honestly, had no motivation. However, with the last Harry Potter movie out, my decision to re-read the books, and my rediscovered love for Lucius Malfoy, I've decided that now is the time!**

**I really really adore the Malfoy family and Bella. And I'm about to embark upon a 2nd-person, Narcissa-centric oneshot, so I wanted to write this before the angst bunnies came and took over.**

**Agh, so, three years later, here we are! I thank those of you that have stuck with this story and I welcome those who are just now discovering it! I'm sorry if this is not the off-the-wall shenanigans that you guys expect. I'm a little out of my comedy-groove and I'd like to hope that my writing has improved in the past three years.**

**Anyway, here we are! Wal-Mart Kills People, Part 2. Enjoy! It features a special guest...*wink wink***

**Ooh, slight disclaimer: Though this story is K+, there is a mild use of the word "damn" in this chapter.**

******The "OOOOOOOO" are line breaks.**

**********Reviews are great, constructive criticism is better!**

* * *

This. Was. Ridiculous.

He was Lucius Malfoy. _Lucius Malfoy_. And Lucius Malfoy did not cower in a rack of muggle women's sweaters.

And yet, there he was, cowering in a rack of muggle women's sweaters.

Oh, sure, he had tried to escape the never-ending racks of brightly colored clothing. However, the moment he had stepped out into an open area of the store, he heard a shriek of "How's your wife?" and had decided that laying low might be the best option for the time being.

The hollow spaces in the middle of the clothing racks made remarkable hiding spots…

And yet, Lucius knew he couldn't very well spend the rest of his life hiding in-between sweaters. All he had to show for this shopping trip-a shopping trip which, he concluded, was turning out to be as enjoyable as grinding his face against asphalt-was a measly pack of bubble gum.

And he would be damned if he let Bellatrix show him up.

**OOOOOOOO**

Bellatrix, for her part, was on a desperate hunt for her brother-in-law, eager to share her conspiracy theories with him. She had searched high and low, weaving through row upon row of food, greeting cards, toiletries, children's' toys, and a number of other things.

Nowhere in the ragtag mob of people in the store did she spot an overdressed man with long blonde hair.

Oh, there were plenty of _under_dressed people, shuffling along in their pajamas. And there were plenty of people with long hair of every color.

But no Lucius.

Bellatrix sighed exasperatedly as she made her way past the clothing racks. The basket in her hand, weighed down with carrots, potatoes, and a chicken, was getting much too heavy and she was one wrong turn away from giving up and going to the missing child desk to report Lucius when she heard a most suspicious whisper.

"Bella…"

Bellatrix whirled around, searching madly for the source of the whisper. There were people around, but they were all occupied in their tasks, no one paying any attention to the mad woman standing in the middle of the clothing.

"Bella…!" That whisper again! And it almost sounded like…Lucius…? But no, Bellatrix determined, as her eyes scanned the surrounding area. Lucius wasn't anywhere to be found.

"Bella!" The whisper, a third time, sounded much more insistent. And it was definitely Lucius' voice. Bellatrix looked with delight at the sweater rack where she had finally determined the voice was coming from.

Oh, Lucius would be so excited when she told him! A rack of clothing that could talk! And it had his voice! Maybe Muggles really did have some magical inventions!

"Talking clothing racks…heh…," Bellatrix laughed to herself as she set off in search of the customer service desk, determined to put out a missing child call for Lucius. He had to be found, if nothing more that so she could show him the talking clothing rack.

However, as she walked past said clothing rack, a hand shot out and grabbed her wrist. Before she could even comprehend what was happening, she was pulled into the depths of the sweaters and met with a very amusing sight…

…her brother-in-law, hiding in the middle of the clothes.

"Luci!" Bellatrix shrieked loudly and Lucius could swear he felt his eardrums crack. He slapped a hand over her mouth, putting the index finger of his free hand to his lips.

"Shh…Bella, we need to-" He was cut off by a very unpleasant wet sensation on the palm of his hand.

She had _licked_ his hand. Lucius shuddered, removing his hand from her mouth as quick as if he'd been burned. Glaring at her, he snatched the sleeve of a nearby sweater to rid his palm of the offending spit.

Pity the poor muggle who picked the sweater with the damp, spitty sleeve…

"Really, Bellatrix? Isn't that the sort of stuff that little children do?"

She merely grinned back at him, shifting to allow herself a little more room in the cramped space. "And why, exactly, are you in _here_? Shouldn't you be shopping?" She cast a critical glance at the lone pack of bubble gum in his hands and raised her eyebrows.

"It's a…long story." Lucius had no desire to relive the kickboxing mom, the goth boy, the shrieking lady, the darting to and fro between aisles…

Bellatrix nodded expectantly. "Yes…and?"

"I really don't think we have the time…"

"We've been in this store for God knows how long. I'm sure the Dark Lord has dropped any and all expectations that we'll be back in a reasonable amount of time."

Lucius considered for a moment. That was probably true. Given the fact that they had very nearly drowned him in a bathtub, Voldemort was probably relishing the time alone.

And so, Lucius ended up relating the whole sordid tale back to Bellatrix, trying to ignore the way her lips quirked further up into a smirk with every detail he revealed. By the time he finally got the part where he had resolved to hide in the clothing rack, she was howling with laughter so loudly that he slapped his hand over her mouth once more, knowing what the consequences might be.

She quieted immediately, but the look in her eyes told him she was very seriously considering licking his hand again.

"Do it, Bella, and I swear I will crucio you."

Satisfied that she was finally quiet, he removed his hand. "We need to get out of this rack." He gestured down to the pack of bubble gum. "Obviously, I still have a…_few_ things I need to get."

Bellatrix snorted. "_A few?_ That's rich, Luci. All you've managed to do is grab some bubble gum and be threatened by half the store. I got the carrots, potatoes, chicken, and the DVD!"

With the mention of the DVD, Bellatrix suddenly remembered her conspiracy theory.

"Lucius!" She lunged forward, grabbing onto the collar of his jacket. "You've got to hear this! I went and got the DVD, yes?" She paused, waiting until he nodded. "Well, as I was over there…"

She told him of the video, of seeing the two people on the screen who looked just like the two of them, of passing out on the floor. "Don't you get it, Lucius? It's a conspiracy theory! They're filming us! We're…being…watched!" With every word, she shook him back and forth, stopping only when she saw his eyes rolling back in his head.

"Whoops!" She released him, watching as he shook his head dizzily. "Anyway, isn't that weird? We're being filmed!"

Lucius sighed. They were stuck in clothing rack in the middle of a muggle store. There was a kickboxing teacher and a lady insistent on Bella being his wife who were probably looking for him now. At this moment, he really didn't care about any conspiracy theory. He told Bellatrix so, not feeling any remorse whatsoever as her smile slid off her face, upset at having her conspiracy theory written off.

"We need a plan…now, how do we get out of this clothing rack, get the rest of the items, and get out of the store without being seen by those women? Maybe-"

His thought was interrupted as some of the sweaters slid apart. The alarmed face of a woman peered down at them; she obviously was not expecting two grown people to be sitting in the middle of the rack.

"Do you mind?" Lucius snapped, and the woman squeaked in fear and slid the sweaters back in place. He turned back to Bellatrix…but he wished she hadn't.

The way her face lit up told him she had an idea. And the smile playing across her mouth told him that it probably wasn't a very _good_ idea.

"Whatever you're thinking…no."

She rolled her eyes. "C'mon,_ Luci_. We need a plan, I have a plan. What's the problem?"

Lucius sighed, again. "Fine, fine, what's your plan?" After the "Put-Voldemort-In-A-Bath-Of-Ice-Water-And-Give-Him-Hypothermia" idea, he reasoned that her plans really couldn't get any worse.

"You'll see…"

And with that, she slipped out of the clothing rack, calling "I'll be right back!" as she walked away.

**OOOOOOOO**

Oh no, this plan was definitely a billion times worse than "Put-Voldemort-In-A-Bath-Of-Ice-Water-And-Give-Him-Hypothermia".

This was plan "Hide-Lucius-In-A-Shopping-Cart". And Bellatrix had insisted that it really was a "fool proof idea."

Except for one _tiny_ detail which Bella had overlooked…

Shopping carts were meant for _food_. And _small children_.

Not fully grown men.

Yet, despite this, Lucius Malfoy, a fully grown man, was now sitting in the basket of a shopping cart, wishing desperately that he could melt into the ground…or crucio Bella.

Maybe both.

People were staring. Everywhere he looked, someone was watching…or pointing…or laughing. Several employees in the process of stocking shelves fell off their ladders as they beheld the man in the shopping cart.

"_Here's the plan," Bella had whispered, after she had returned with the cart. "You climb in, I push you, and we look completely natural. We finish shopping and we leave. You can hide with all the food and stuff we put in the cart. No one will notice!"_

"No one will notice…" He mumbled savagely under his breath. Yeah, well, if "no one" meant "the entire store", then Bellatrix was definitely correct. _No one_ was noticing.

Lucius sighed as a roll of paper towels, a box of tissues, and a pair of earplugs were flung unceremoniously onto his lap. This cart was tiny and with every turn and bump, his knees banged against the sides of it.

"Why did I agree to this, why did I agree to this…? Damn this store, damn this shopping list, damn my stupid sister-in-law…"

"What's that, brother dearest?" Bellatrix called from behind him. "I hear you talking to yourself. You better be saying, 'Oh thank you, Bella, you are ever so clever for thinking of this spot on idea.'"

Lucius snorted. "For me to be saying that, it would have to be true."

"Yeah, well…," Bellatrix huffed from behind him, pushing the cart laboriously down the aisle. "This really isn't a picnic for me either, Luci. Maybe I should tell Cissy to cut down on the amount she feeds you. …you could stand to lose a few pounds."

She cackled from behind him, breathing heavily as she did so, and the cart continued to grind down the aisle.

"Bella," He pinched the bridge of his nose, sighing deeply. "This really is not a good idea." He was jolted suddenly as the cart came to a halt.

"Oh look, pudding!" Bellatrix shrieked from somewhere behind him, and he turned around just in time for ten boxes of pudding to smack him in the face. The smile on Bellatrix's face as she walked around to the front of the cart suggested that she had intentionally thrown them.

"Not a good idea?" She leaned against the side of the cart.

"No. Not at all. I thought, since you were so quick to think of a plan, that it might be…oh, I don't know…a good one?"

Bellatrix gave a noncommittal shrug. "I really don't see what the problem is."

Lucius felt his eye twitch. He had his mouth open to tell her off when she continued.

"Besides, this is just Plan A. I have a Plan B."

He sighed, deciding that he wasn't even going to ask exactly what Plan B was. If _this_ was Plan A, then it was obviously the best idea she had. Plan B would, undoubtedly be much, much worse and Lucius didn't really _want_ to know if he didn't _have_ to.

"Fine, fine." He sighed once more and waved his hand impatiently, indicating that it was time to get a move on. Bellatrix resumed her position pushing the cart laboriously down the aisle.

Slogging down the cereal aisle (why they were even in this aisle was a mystery to Lucius), they passed a muggle woman pushing a little boy in a cart. He pointed at the pair of them, shrieking an excited, "Look, mommy! That's a big kid!"

His mother shot them a look of contempt before answering her son. "No, honey. That's what we call a 'pedophile'." She sped away down the aisle, muttering, "Honestly, a grown man _sitting_ in cart…"

"Bellatrix," Lucius called back to her, jolting as the cart screeched to a sudden halt. She walked around to the face him, her arms folded across her chest.

"Yes, Luci?"

"That little muggle boy just called me a pedophile."

"So?"

"That generally not a positive thing to be called."

She snorted. "Oh well, boo hoo. Kid needs to learn that not everyone in the world is sweet and kind." She waved her hand dismissively. "We did him a favor! Now he knows to stay away the next time he sees a man sitting in a shopping cart."

"Yes, but, wasn't this escape plan supposed to be…subtle?"

Bellatrix shrugged dramatically. "Gosh, Lucius, I don't know. Maybe if you hadn't gone and-" She cut herself off, listening as loud stomping footsteps sounded in the distance.

"C'mon, Mommy!" A little kid squealed. "We need to find the scary man and teach him a lesson."

Lucius' eyes widened in fright. He knew, without a doubt, that it was the little boy and his kickboxing mom. He turned, horrified, to Bellatrix. Her eyes darted around madly before she hissed, "Duck!" He did so, trying to sink down in the cart as much as possible, watching as Bellatrix swiped her arm across a shelf and feeling a barrage of cereal boxes rain down upon him.

Bellatrix, having buried Lucius alive in boxes of Captain Crunch, leaned casually against the cart, examining her fingernails. When the huge, hulking lady came around, she quirked an eyebrow at the mound of cereal, but went on her stomping way, none the wiser.

She had to credit Lucius; when he said that her biceps had been the size of semi-trucks, he wasn't kidding.

After a safe amount of time had passed, Bellatrix scooped some of the cereal boxes off of Lucius, throwing them down on the floor, rather than putting them back. She shrugged it off. "Eh, the employees need something to do, right?"

Lucius nodded, exhaling sharply, certain that his life had almost ended mere moments ago.

"Let's go get that self-help book and get out of here, Bella."

**OOOOOOOO**

'_Almost to the books, almost to the books, just stay calm.'_

Lucius had, in the last few days, developed a habit of giving himself silent pep talks to ignore the burning impulse he often had to strangle his sister-in-law.

He had decided that it was safest for him to put his head down and ignore the stares of the muggles as the shopping cart careened by them. He knew, if they could just get to the book section, they were as good as free and would hopefully never have to come to this infernal store again.

'_Get the book, don't kill Bellatrix, get the book, don't kill Bellatrix.'_

He heard Bellatrix whisper, "Almost there, Luci!" before the cart grinded to a sudden halt.

"Well, well, well, fancy seeing you two here." A voice spoke from somewhere in front of the shopping cart. A voice Lucius knew. A voice which made Lucius want to bury himself in the contents of the cart and asphyxiate on Captain Crunch.

"Snape." Bellatrix's cold greeting only confirmed his horrible suspicion.

'_Maybe he won't notice me if I just keep my head down.'_

"Evening, Lucius."

Evening? Really? He and Bellatrix had arrived at the store mid-morning. Had they really been here that long?

He raised his head up, finding himself staring up at Severus Snape.

"Evening, Severus," Lucius muttered, with all the dignity that a grown man being pushed in a shopping cart by his sister-in-law could muster.

And then, he froze. Why was Snape at Wal-Mart…? A smirk twitched at the corner of his mouth. Surely Severus had some embarrassing reason for being here, some reason that would make him feel better about his current predicament.

Bellatrix obviously had a similar thought, for he could hear the joyful malice in her voice as she asked, "What brings you here, Snape?"

The man in question eyed the two of them coolly. "I was in need of some hair product." He gestured to the basket in his hand. "I'm afraid nothing in the wizarding world can treat my hair quite like some of these muggle goods."

Lucius raised an eyebrow, glancing back at Bellatrix to see if she thought this as odd as he did. Instead, she was nodding sagely, as if this was a perfectly logical thing.

Unbelievable. A basket of shampoo _accidentally_ falls into his basket at Walgreens and she torments and sits on him.

Snape, however, openly admits to buying hair _product_ and Bellatrix acts like this is the most fascinatingly brilliant thing in the world.

Lord, the inhumanity.

Lucius cleared his throat, trying to send silent signals to Bellatrix that they needed to be moving on. She ignored him, enraptured as Snape elaborated on the hair products he used.

He tried to clear his throat louder and more insistently. She turned to him, frowning. He coughed again. She nodded and he breathed a sigh of relief. That is, until she reached into her pockets a pulled out five little bags.

"Cough drop, Luci? Grape, cherry, lemon, mint, or orange?"

She had done it. She had called him 'Luci' in front of Snape.

He almost wished that the kickboxing mom would come and smash his face into the ground, only so he wouldn't have to sit here in a shopping cart while Snape talked about hair products and Bellatrix obliviously offered him cough drops.

Snape, thankfully, appeared to be wrapping up. "Well, I must be going." He strode away, calling, "Hope you feel better, Lucius."

Lucius was clenching his teeth so hard that he could only speak in one-word sentences. "Bella. Book. Now. Go."

**OOOOOOOO**

This shopping trip had carved about 20 years off of his life, Lucius was convinced.

They had finally gotten their hands on the sinisterly titled "How to Kill your Death Eaters While Still Making Them Feel Needed: A Self-Help Book". It had been easily spotted among the romance novels, a black book with a skull on the cover and a red sticker proclaiming "New Edition! 5 Easy Steps! Kill your failures with ease!"

Lucius once again felt himself break out in that cold sweat, but he shrugged it off. They were home free. All they needed to do was get to the check out, Imperio the cashier into giving them everything for free, and then they'd be on their way.

He had just opened his mouth to ask Bellatrix what she thought the Dark Lord needed the self-help book for when he heard a shriek.

To the left, in between the aisles, an unwelcome sight had appeared. It was the lady in the sweater, and she was pointing at the two of them, shrieking a nonsensical string of words, out of which Lucius caught the words "wife" and "counseling".

Bellatrix sighed. "Ick, not her again."

"It doesn't matter, just go the other way."

There was a pause. "…I don't think that's such a good idea."

He turned to the right to see what the problem was and gave an involuntary squeal of fear.

The kickboxing mom, her son standing next to her.

Lucius weighed his options.

Go left, be forced into some sort of involuntary counseling with Bellatrix, his "wife".

Go right, have his skull bashed in by someone whose hands were the size of dinner plates.

Neither one was too appealing.

"Bella, what do we do?"

Bellatrix had a look of concentration on her face. After a beat, she said, "Out of the cart, Lucius."

These were the words he had been waiting for since he first got in the cart, but nevertheless, he couldn't help but feel that getting out of the cart would make him an easier target.

"Are you sure that-?"

"Just get out of the cart!"

He did so, watching warily as Bellatrix pulled out her wand. "What exactly is this supposed to accomplish?"

She held up a finger to silence him. "Plan A has obviously failed. We're moving on to…Plan B!" She gave a crazed little laugh, pointed her wand at the shrieking lady from Walgreens, and cried, "Avada Kedavra!"

Lucius exhaled sharply. "Okay, great, fantastic, that takes care of her. How about the one that's actually capable of inflicting physical damage?" He jerked his head towards the approaching kick boxer, watching as Bellatrix pointed the wand at her. Another flash of green light and kickboxing mom was down for the count.

**OOOOOOOO**

"Nice work, if I do say so myself." Bellatrix glanced around the aisles, pleased with her plan.

Everyone around them, every last employee and patron of Wal-Mart, was either dead or stunned. The stunned ones had their memories obliviated; they would remember nothing of the two crazy people dressed in black who had run by, shooting them in the chest with a jet of red light.

"So, Bellatrix, let me understand something…_this_ was Plan B?"

"Yes."

"But this was so much easier that Plan A! Why not make this Plan A?"

"Well, we already had a Plan A."

"Well, that could've been Plan B."

"We already had a Plan B."

"If you had made Plan B Plan A, then you could have made Plan A Plan B."

"…huh?"

"All I'm saying is, usually the better plan is Plan A."

"Oh, I just named them in the order I thought of them."

"You could have switched them. Realized that Plan B was clearly the superior one and made it Plan A."

"Why would I need two Plan A's? That doesn't make any sense."

"You wouldn't have two Plan A's, you would have a Plan A and a Plan B."

"Right, which we did."

"But what I'm saying is…you know what, never mind. I feel my IQ dropping with every moment I spend trying to explain something to you. Let's just go home, Bella."

* * *

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**I really hope you all enjoyed this chapter. I look forward to hearing from you all again and I promise to be better at future updates!**

**Next Chapter: "Muggle Soup", because every sick person needs soup. Bella and Luci, in an attempt to impress, decide to make their favorite Dark Lord some soup...without the use of magic. Lucky Voldemort.**

**Until next time!**


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